Recently on Facebook I found an article on 6 ways on how to comeback a manipulator. What I wasn’t expecting was the response and to find I wasn’t alone and therefore thought it natural, following my recent dark sexual assault article, that this is something also worth highlighting.
What people (myself included in this) don’t realise is that manipulation can happen in the smallest of forms. If someone makes you feel so small that you are unable defend yourself or makes you feel guilty for doing something you want to do like joining a club, that’s them asserting control and attempting manipulation by playing on your emotions and guilt.
Everyone goes through different experiences of manipulation because, naturally, everyone is different. In my experience it hasn’t so much been with friends but in relationships as mentioned many times on this blog (SAD, Social Anxiety) to the point I have started to think I am cursed with two 2 1/2 year relationships where I have ‘control me’ written over my forehead. This isn’t the case and yes, it is true in my first relationship I was naïve and submissive with the belief of my ‘prince charming’ and was in the perfect position to control in which he succeeded until I broke all contact altogether.
In my second however, none of this started until I broke it off and I just became a mess as he’d say all these things he was changing like focussing on himself than me and then next minute he would be saying he was never giving up on me OR saying I never loved him in the entire two years and I just move on to the next guy. The reason I see this as manipulation outside the situation now?
1, The unpredictability. This is how people keep you dancing on your toes for them out of fear of someone lashing out and therefore it is your job only to try and calm them down and thus, eventually, do what they want.
2, Putting you on a pedestal. This directly links with the above point. I am only speaking from a relationship perspective but I reckon any other relationship is no different. They idolise you (or give the impression they do.) What people don’t understand about ex number 1 is that he really treat me how I wanted to be treated, not all the time but he made me feel so unbelievably special I forgot why I would be mad at him. I’ve realised the manipulator does this in order to pull you in further should you wander from their grasp and therefore assert more control so you don’t wander again.
3, Rude comments It becomes evident you are not being submissive enough so they bring you down to their level in order to achieve this. My second ex achieved this very well, as said above with saying I never loved him during our over 2 years together and that I just wanted to move on to the next man. Not only is there so much wrong with this but he homes in on my weakness here-the amount of guys and therefore seeing myself as a slut than treasuring my body. There was also more said that made me relapse more than I had other nights by drinking and overdosing on parcetamol that night which sent me to sleep quicker than any other night before. This is a very extreme case but is no different to someone calling you nasty words etc. to make YOU be the one to apologise. Unless its something you really have done wrong, but you’ve understood why and accepted you was wrong then again you have no position to apologise and feel belittled if you understand. The way to overcome this? “Yes I know I was wrong. I’m dealing with it to make sure It never happens again so this is none of your concern anymore. Move on.”
Therefore the only alternative, as scary as it may seem sometimes, is to completely cut contact. Block them from everything so they don’t see your personal life anymore and therefore no control or ties they can use to reel you in again. For me in these relationships, has been articles like the ‘how to deal with manipulation’ that opened my eyes to just how ‘toxic’ my relationships actually were which is why I am writing today, to create further awareness. I hope this helps other people, like me, who are/have experienced it also and know what other signs to look out for.
Stay strong lovlies ;