(Spread the love, not hate…this picture actually spread to at least 5 pages of my sketchbook, coincidence? Let’s fight that it’s not)
So on 12 June 2016, a bunch of teens and adults both secure and insecure with themselves and sexuality that needed a night out and to be themselves were targeted by a single gunman in Orlando and shot 50 dead. If that doesn’t strike you as inhumane and just plain brutal, I’m sorry but I don’t know what will.
I know there has been attacks before but there has never been one that has hit home quite like this one. For the record, I have never been to America and have no connection to the victims but as some of you may had seen I put a link on my page to help donate for help for the victims and relations of the victims nonetheless.
I have found it hard to speak about this, and didn’t even think about doing a blog post at all concerning it because I thought ‘what’s the point, I wasn’t there, no one will listen’ but over the past week you guys have shown me you really do and god knows how much I appreciate that. No, what made me do this was watching Tyler Oakley’s video on ‘The Rainbow Road’
In his video he said incredibly powerful things like ‘you live in a world where you can’t be yourself,’ ‘there’s nothing wrong with you,’ ‘things need to be fixed.’ As a metaphor to the struggles in the LGBTQ+ family as a whole he said; ‘rainbow road was the hardest level on Mario Kart’ which got me blubbing (come to that in a second.) But most importantly, what I got from this video was ‘There’s just some things that need to be fixed…governments are sending out prayers rather than changing laws and using their power.’ He then ended the video encouraging us viewers to use whatever power we have in order to make this change and in this day and age, internet is what we’ve got so I decided to use my blog.
Why the hell does this ‘hit home then’? I hear you ask. You wasn’t there, you’re a typical british country girl with a laptop and impossible dreams. Well that maybe so but hear me out.
For years I have been insecurely bi. Insecure who I was, scared of who I was and terrified to admit it to anyone for years. But now here it is as it explains just why this is so important to me.
It all started when I was watching a video of Beyoncé’s Single Ladies on 4Music or MTV in my parents bedroom just lazing around when out of nowhere I just couldn’t stop thinking about how hot Beyoncé looked. Like not the typical admiring a girl from afar because I was jealous of her look but I was genuinely attracted to her. I freaked, thought I was going crazy as I had been ‘boy crazy’ since I read my first love story, ran to my room, got on my laptop and talked to someone on Childline to help explain these feelings. As much as they were helpful, they explained the chances were it was just a phase.
A year or so later however, I was at babysitting and the same thing happened…only stronger. It was getting late, I was bored scrolling through Sky Movies and stuck on Friends With Benefits. It’s there, 1, I felt what being horny was like for the first time alone without ‘encouragement’ (No, I wasn’t doing anything to myself as much as it may sound like it…no) and 2, my first female celebrity crush for Mila Kunis started. Because I was with my ex at the time (many-a-mentioned on this blog before) and I felt he knew me best, I freaked again and told him what I was feeling describing it as a ‘girls version of a boner…only not a boner’ haha, weird wording I know. He, however, thought it was fantastic and meant that there was a possibility i’d make out with a girl in front of him somewhere down the lines for his pleasure, or at least that’s all he really said whenever I bought my sexuality insecurities up. Following this acknowledgement I then ended up having a crush on the majority of the girls in my school year (yes it’s all coming out now, someone really did admire you from afar.) I told myself ‘it’s just a phase’ over and over again but throughout the year, it just wouldn’t go away until I learnt to accept it (kinda) making the crushes to the main 5 I guess. I then left school to move on to college.
I don’t remember much in college, and didn’t have that many crushes either during that time to make that time anymore significant other than when I met my fiancé. I just remember that during college (6th form or last year of high school to my American readers) my first club experience was in a gay club called Revenge and was incredible. When I was old enough to go clubbing properly after this night, my fiancé and I decided to go back and have done ever since (and still plan to in the future.) This is where it hits home. I remember this/last years New Years Eve party me and my finace went to Revenge to have an awesome night. During that night he got a bit drunk but his words stayed with me (much to his memory) “(Brighton) is one of those places you feel you can be yourself, not scared of who are” that goes right back to what Mr Tyler Oakley was saying about how much fear anyone, not just people in the LGBTQ+ community but anyone feels scared to be themselves for fear they’ll get discriminated. I know as a girl, I know there’s lots of campaigns at the moment but the fear you’d be labelled a ‘slut’ for merely wearing a short skirt that day that leads victim shaming for rape victims down the line. We live in a society ruled by fear (see EU debate) which is really heart-breaking and makes me ashamed of the world we live in today, not just in western society but the world. It hits home like this because Revenge will and always be ‘my club,’ Brighton is my happy place and Revenge is the club to be at but now there’s fears I can’t even go there when even my parents don’t know that I’m bi or don’t understand my tastes for a night out and to know that were potentially people like me, always been insecure (why I’ve always admired people with the likes of Tyler, Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Page) just wanted a good night out in celebration (a couple were supposed to get married soon who were shot), away from stress of work and just a night to themselves, destroyed, by one act of violence that has changed billions of lives of friends, family and extended relations of the victims.
I’ve become secure in my sexuality since school and college and in my first debate class, came out as bi there and then.
I know there is hope for a new world, we need to just fight for it. So, like Tyler I have also attached the links to help make a difference to this world. It’s okay knowing that nothings perfect but this world is not imperfect, it’s disgusting. So please donate to the link below, I’m really sorry for the ramble.