The Perfect Weight: My life with an eating disorder

Okay, so I’ve wanted to do another mental health awareness post for a while and boy am I not done with that section yet as there’s always so much to say about it.

Today, however, I thought I’d touch on something that is less talked about than depression and anxiety these days but has loads of prejudice around it which is eating disorders.

My story is that I change from not eating to binge/comfort eating constantly and for various reasons that I’m going to touch on next. The common misconception about things like anorexia is that people just want to lose weight and is a diet lifestyle. If it is, that’s not healthy, if you’re doing it, stop it in whatever way you can-eat small things during the day to help you build up but please never think to stop eating is the answer. I’m talking about this from experience as 3 years ago, I did exactly that as a way to seek perfection because my partner felt like I was in competition with another girl; super tall, skinny and brunette with big brown eyes compared to blonde, stubby me who hadn’t lost her baby fat yet. I burnt it all off by skipping lunch, eating a handful of cereal in the morning and dinner so my family wouldn’t notice. I walked around in a big hoodie whilst everyone else was in t-shirts in sunny May and hid in the bathroom to either snack to keep me going or just cry alone. This went on for roughly 5 months (including recovery period) and went to counselling because of everything that was going on.

Two years later my boyfriend (different guy, fiancé now) and I broke up for two weeks.  In this time I tried to show him I had moved on, having found out one of my friends were talking to him and I (telling us different things we found out in the end) so I decided to play ‘match-maker.’ This obviously fell through because I realised it was him, it was always him and after getting back together as a way of dealing with guilt, I starved myself and lost weight significantly over the Christmas period that year in which my fiancé was my saving grace and helped me get back on recovery road again.

Finally, when I went to Uni in late September (as mentioned in my social anxiety post) I didn’t get on with my flatmates and the kitchen became a ‘no go’ area until I knew everyone was out. This meant I skipped meals a lot on days of particularly high anxiety, I had a counsellor again during these times but found it hard to change my mind set as they suggested. The reason I suggest snacking is because when I’m reallyreallyreally anxious my throat gets tight that sometimes leads to a panic attack or just a tight throat for a few more hours that make eating really hard. The foods I found hardest were potatoes and bread and so I had popcorn and more liquid based foods like yoghurt until I felt better.

These experiences I don’t talk about very often hence why it’s one of the later posts. If you have a story or know any other mental health myths feel free to share below.

For people to go to I recommend Childline, Samartians etc. as on my SAD and Anxiety blog post.

Please stay strong guys and remember you are perfect the way you are ;

Love you all ❤

Whiterose x


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