The story behind closed doors: My life with depression and SAD

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Following my very personal blog on social anxiety, I have finally decided to come out about my depression.

Depression is probably the hardest thing anyone can explain properly and something only a fair few will understand or actually be there. There are plenty of social groups and Facebook pages that can help support you through this, I myself have been an admin in the past for some of these pages and believe truly believe that these are people who truly want to help, just normal teenagers like you or me, helping others on a page.

My story started 4-5 years ago now. I was a girl with her head up in the clouds who was bought down at such a sudden rate that I went insane. Literally, I started hearing voices in my head. At first I thought I could control it but then it started taking over me. I started skipping classes, I self harmed, I starved myself so I had no choice but to keep my Leavers hoodie on in May-time to hide the damage from everyone else.

How did I start recovery? I got myself out of the situation and looked for help.

I was dealing with a manipulative ex at the time who had isolated me from all my friends, twisting my mind about them to make me turn against them. What made me ‘wake-up’? He cheated. (I’m really sorry if I’ve already mentioned this in my last blog!) I hoped it was just a phase/one off so I held on trying to see the best in him, forgiving him over and over again which lead to my fall.

It was actually a talk from my mum that really gave me the motivation to get going again. Stay alive and learn how strong I am or ‘fall under’ and everything I had been working towards would’ve been for nothing. I chose to strike through. It was bumpy at first. I didn’t know who to talk to, how to talk to people again (without intimacy) and had to learn myself from scratch for I was no longer my ex’s ‘puppet.’ We interacted a few times over time before I cut him off once and for all. This was when I met my fiancé who showed me just who the real people worth fighting for are.

Looking back on this post so far, I’ve started to notice a few reflections from that time to my more recent experiences; the manipulation, the frustrating job and learning what ‘socialising’ actually means again. It does make you wonder, when will it stop. It doesn’t, that’s life. But what does change is how you deal with it the second time round.

Be Brave and “Say Yes” to new things, new experiences, new roles but don’t let anyone overpower what you believe in. If someone makes you feel scared to say what you think or disagree with them, either talk it through or just get yourself out. Although I’ve never been physically abused, I believe this is one of the first signs of emotional abuse/manipulation that I personally have experienced. The other sign being some form of isolation be it from friends, classmates or even family.

The thing about depression is that you always see yourself as wrong because that’s what the voices tell you you are. You are always the bad person, you deserve to have this much guilt and punish yourself for it. You’re not pretty or not good enough for someone or a job or something. Don’t listen to them, instead, say them out loud to someone who will listen with you.

For my fiancé and I it’s each other. Despite all my ranting, he has suffered too to the point I stayed up all night holding him, calming him down and telling him the truth, not what the voices were saying despite having a lecture the following morning. At that point I would’ve rather he was calm and asleep when I was in lectures than staying up all night and day giving into the voices. We’re each other’s rock and have supported each other through a lot of drama and rough times over these 2 years (thank you <3)

Anyway, talk to someone like friends or family and then to further people like Childline, Samartians or Mind or your GP, should you need medical help with it also (like I used to.) I’m writing this because I have suffered in the past and still am. Although my mental illness is seasonal (SAD) my behaviour can take some random changes every once and a while which can cause friends and family alarm. The reason generally being, as mentioned on my Social Anxiety post that I am so used to being alone that I will need space as too much socialising makes me feel claustrophobic and my anxiety to just get worse which will mean I just need to remove myself from the situation be it temporarily or permanently.

One thing I will never be removed from however, is my love for YouTube and how much it has helped me get through different things in life (such as moving away from home for the first time.) I was actually watching a video today, a general vlog by Zoella but also an interesting one from Niomi Smart who was promoting the Venus #useyourand  campaign that removes the ideas of stereotyping someone to one certain perception and show that we’re all human and love different things. As you can tell by my blog categories, I’m already into so many things but if I had to nail down to a few things I’m a museum volunteer with a massive taste for history AND I am someone who wants to be a writer for mental illness charities and campaigns AND…what’s yours? Leave a comment below 🙂

In order to demonstrate the last point, I’m leaving some links below for the Facebook pages and presenting my poem about mental illness. Thank you for reading, you guys are honestly awesome.



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